This is a difficult review to write. I think you know why. Let us please share a moment of silence for our departed fuzzy bear, Nyko.

[…………respectfully insert your silence right here please…………]

This cruel, heartless episode was written by Kim Shumway, renowned hater of puppies, rainbows, lollipops, and big fuzzy lovable men named Nyko.

How does one mend a broken heart? By writing the most scathing review of “A Lie Guarded” that will ever exist and make Kim Shumway cry.

LET’S GET INTO IT!

Don’t Make Me Ground You, Octavia! Get It? “Ground You”?!?!?! DAD JOKES!!!

In Polis, we open on Trikru Starbucks, where patrons are enjoying their lattes while listening to a little indie folk rock. Kane is NOT happy with Octavia, who has been a very bad girl, what with getting all murdery in order to maintain Roan’s hold on power, and Skaikru’s place within the coalition. Kane and Octavia exchange some heated words. Kane gets mad, which makes him a bit growly, and if you’re wondering if that does it for me, the answer is yes, that does it for me.

Kane essentially kicks Octavia off of his security detail, ordering her to return to Arkadia. This allows Octavia to be out of the picture conveniently as Bellamy and chatty redshirt are brought to see Roan in chains. Chatty redshirt apparently has forgotten the number one rule of imprisonment: snitches get stitches and he really…oh, wait never mind. I don’t think stitches will repair that slit throat. Goddamn.

Seems Roan is a WEE bit touchy about the lack of progress on the whole “end of the world issue” and believes Skaikru is betraying them by getting the Ark ready to ride out the storm. And you know what doesn’t help? Kane not being forthcoming with Roan. What is it with Kane and Clarke and their secrets and lies? I’m not happy about it. And neither is Roan. Alliance is over! No more hanging out at Trikru Starbucks and talking about poetry! No more beardy glances at one another. Kane and Roan are officially broken up. 

They were, like, dating, right?

This whole Ark preparation stuff is really a huge point of contention with everyone lately. SO TOUCHY. And it’s also a big source of misinformation and confusion and if they could just TALK ABOUT THIS LIKE ADULTS AND CLEAR THE AIR but no. Sigh.

Prank Sinatra In The House!

Things in Arkadia begin lightheartedly as Jaha is “floated” in the pond near Arkadia, which if I’m being honest, just looks like it’s going to be a fetid cesspool of skeeters in the summer, so someone should just bleach the shit out of the thing and turn it into a pool.

This prank give us a refreshing moment of levity and the impossible happens: CLARKE SMILES. I think there are more pics of Eliza Taylor smiling BTS than actually smiling on camera.

Jasper and Monty don’t stop with pranking Jaha…oh no. They come up with another plan, this time to get Clarke. This will go well.

While they’re in the Chancellor’s office (which leads us to the info that Kane is the Chancellor and Clarke is acting as his representative in Arkadia, thanks I needed this bit of info because I was beginning to OBSESS), everything goes to hell because Jasper is a nosy nora. And, you know, because CLARKE PUTS THE LIST BASICALLY IN PLAIN SIGHT.

About the list: can we all agree here that no one is definitively right or wrong? Yes, they need to make this list to prepare for the worst case scenario. No, there is no PERFECT list. Guess who probably wouldn’t be on my list: Octavia, Bellamy, Kane, Harper, Miller, Jasper, Murphy…and to be honest, Clarke is a tweener.

If we’re going by “hard” skills, she’s got only got middling “medical” skills to fall back on…and presumably fertile ovaries. If we’re going to include “soft” skills like her ability to lead, then maybe she moves back onto the list. Not having an official position of leadership makes her expendable if there’s another, more capable leader. Like (and I can’t believe I’m saying this dammit) Jaha.

To be honest, I might be a bitter betty right now because Clarke is pissing me off and making some questionable decisions as a “leader.” So her inclusion on my save list is in jeopardy. I’m probably being short-sighted because I think she has the capacity to be a great leader, but she’s going to need her friends to get her there (more on this later).

So no, no one’s list is perfect. And if you get fucking butthurt that my save list doesn’t include your favorite character, too bad.

This is a practical list that doesn’t allow for favoritism. I’m a ride or die Clarke stan, but if I put my analytical “let’s be completely objective” hat on, her being the main character doesn’t mean she’s got the skills to pay the bills when the human race needs to be jump-started and educated to move into the future. Hell, even Monty gets it…it’s not about “deserving” a place on the list. It’s about being practical. He’s not bitter he’s not on it, but he doesn’t agree to the principle that one person should decide who lives or dies. That’s not democracy.

And can we all just say right now: Monty should be on that goddamn list.

Let me just touch on my favorite part of the episode, which basically was this:

So good. SO GOOD. Jasper and Monty should be on the list because of the moment and the promise of future moments like this.

The Fleetwood Mac Concert Tour

Grounder Stevie Nicks Luna and the rest of Fleetwood Mac have decided to embark on a concert tour, starting with Becca’s Island of Fun and Science and Discovery ALIE’s Island of Death and Assorted Fuckery. Abby and Raven think this is where they’ll find out more about the serum that creates nightbloods, and Luna is along because now she’s basically Skaikru’s prisoner, it’s just that the only one that will admit to it being true is, uh, fucking Luna herself. She’s a smart cookie…she knows what’s up.

Hey, guys, let me tell you something cool. The episode title is “A Lie Guarded” but it can also be “ALIE Guarded.” How cool is that? I totally realized that myself and didn’t read it at all from a Shumway tweet. So ALIE’s evil island is protected by her drones and they attack Fleetwood Mac.

AND HERE IS WHERE WE TALK ABOUT THE BAD THING.

Nyko is the last remaining Grounder on earth, except for Indra, that doesn’t think Skaikru is just a bunch of fucks. And Nyko is Luna’s last remaining friend because, and I gotta say, Luna tends to get people around her killed. I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’. She and Clarke make a great pair in this respect. So, Luna,  true to form, gets her last remaining friend killed.

NYKO DIES PROTECTING LUNA.

Because of course he dies in service to someone else, because that’s who Nyko is. It doesn’t make his death any less painful, nor does it acquit Kim Shumway of the emotional devastation his death caused. Last night, while watching Nyko’s death, I slumped back into my couch and just said “Well, shit.” I realized that my dream ship of Roan and Nyko was literally dead.

ALIE is still fucking shit up, and she’s dead! She and the Microsoft Word Paperclip are in the big Recycle Bin in the sky!

I don’t know if I’ll ever get over the death of my fuzzy bear Nyko. I wanted good things for him. He was sweet and gentle, but also a Grounder, so you know he could probably fuck someone up if he had to.

I will never forget and never forgive.

The Abby Adventure Squad

We don’t usually see Abby leading an Adventure Squad Adventure, so I really dug the mix of people that accompanied Abby to Becca’s island. Of course, any time Raven and Murphy are together, it’s fun times. Yes, Murphy saves Raven and Raven thanks him and it’s all a bit predictable and cheesy, but this episode had some cheese in spades, and I sort of dig it.

Speaking of cheese, can we talk about new BFFs, Raven and Luna for a sec? Because if you don’t think they’re BFFs now, you’re completely wrong and they are SO TOTALLY BFFs NOW DID YOU SEE THEM BE NEW BFFs AND SHIT?! Basically Leslie and Ann.

Luna wants to ditch the rest of them like a bad prom date and escape in the boat, but Raven convinces her to stay and help. I love that Luna’s all like “people suck” and Raven’s all like “no they don’t” and Luna’s all like “okay” and that’s all it really takes to get Luna to help. See Clarke, you don’t have to try to force a computer chip into the back of someone’s neck to get them to be your BFF, just be fucking awesome like Raven and try a little tenderness.

Can I just mention that Luna’s hair looks FANTASTIC? I don’t know what she’s using on it, but whatever it is could have saved Clarke from a whole season of questionable hair choices. I’m going to guess she’s using some sort of Surf Spray. Bumble and Bumble make a great version at the price of one kidney.

The best BFFs in the world work to save Abby and the rest of the squad. Luna runs into danger, like the magical butterfly that she is…

…to retrieve the drone that Raven can hack to control all the other drones to save Fleetwood Mac.

But…and let me insert a sound effect here…DUN DUN DUUUUNNNNNN…did y’all notice Raven have a bit of an issue while hacking the drone? Like she had a sudden headache?

ALIE done fucked something up in Raven’s head.

GUYS, DO NOT SLEEP ON THIS. SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH RAVEN AND IF THEY KILL HER OFF THIS SEASON I AM DONE. (note to self: keep on the lookout for future episodes written by Kim Shumway as she loves to kill off my favorites because she’s basically THE WORST)

In the midst of all of this, Abby is like “I will use my body as bait to draw the drones away from you Jackson, my second true love” which is a bad plan because we need doctors, Abby! C’mon, you can’t be running around risking your life all will-nilly like. You need a better plan! Nyko would not approve of you risking your life! If he were alive, he would tell you so, but he’s dead, so he can’t.

And we all know who’s fault that is, right Kim?

Luna and Raven work together to save Abby and the rest of their squad, and it works out because BFF power can overcome anything. Before all is said and done, more is said and done and this gouda comes out of Raven’s mouth: “Luna, it’s not your blood that defines you, it’s your heart.”

Pure cheese. And I love it. Because the show doesn’t take itself too seriously and knows that every once in awhile you need some pure cheese to go right to the feely bits in your heart.

Clarke Is A Horrible Politician

Each lie that Clarke tells also necessitates a good reason why, and those lies just start to crumble when exposed to the light of day. Clarke fucked up, in my opinion. But I honestly can’t tell you what else she could have done in 4×02 to get people working on the Ark. She lacks the experience to know how to navigate these choppy waters, and it bites her in the ass. Her propensity for being a try hard who takes on the weight of the world isn’t exactly doing her any favors. The pressure is mounting.

Let’s face it, things are snowballing because action and intention read very differently to Clarke versus what others are perceiving. And remember, perception is reality at first blush.

1. She lied about the capacity of the Ark (people needed hope and she needed workers).
2. She kept the list to herself (because it’s only a last resort).
3. She added her name to the list (actually, that was Bellamy’s doing).
4. Roan thinks that she lied to him about saving everybody (the Ark is only one solution, they’re trying to find additional options).
5. She tazes Jasper to keep her secret (she’s avoiding a widespread panic).

Monty confronts Clarke and wonders when she’s become “this person.” His perception of who she is is starkly different from her recent actions, and Clarke seems to be tapping into the part of her that made the TonDC decision. And it’s not part of her that she necessarily likes, because we see her struggle in this conversation with Monty. His words sting, but she continues to offer justification. And he just leaves it at: “You’re not god.”

So, the big moment comes when Monty outs Clarke and her list, and it’s pretty bad for her. She has a very good reason for making the list. Clarke has solid logic for who is on the list. And…NO ONE CARES. Clarke has far more patience than I do because I would have gotten spicey with that crowd.

The Arkadians listening to Clarke’s explanation of why certain people made the list brings up this very important bit of dialog:

Clarke: “I know this is hard to take in, but to ensure survival of the human race, the list had to be weighted towards young women who can have children.” 
Random dude that didn’t make the list: “What, wait? It’s because she can have kids? How is that fair?”
Clarke: “It’s not fair. It’s smart.” 

And there you go, the crux of the matter. The people, especially those who aren’t on the list, want a shot at survival, but when you’re talking 100 people to jump start the human race, you need an assembly of people who give you the best shot. This is harsh. I know, but it’s necessary. But get really objective here. Who really needs to be on that list?

Put the sign down, Riley, you did NOT make the list. Such a mark.

Remember I said earlier that there are no perfect lists. And in this show, there are no perfect solutions to problems. It’s all shitty problems with shitty solutions, it’s just some solutions are objectively less shitty than others.

Clarke tries to use rationality when appealing to the crowd, but she’s HORRIBLE. She says things like “I know this is hard to take in” (subtext: you won’t understand) and “I had to consider all variables” (subtext: except your feelings and right to choose your own fate) and “there’s a chance she could be a drain on medical resources” (well, that’s already harsh, I don’t need to provide subtext). Clarke cannot craft a message to save her life. She’s all head right now and very little heart, because, let’s face it, you have to shut down your heart to even consider making this list, let alone craft it.

As a marketer, I can tell you that messaging is very important. (And no, this isn’t a skill that would get me on the list, I’m very honest with myself about that.) But Clarke isn’t listening to how she’s delivering her message. Jaha, however is:

Jaha: “You saw that we had to give them something to fight for. You can’t tell people they have no value.” 
Clarke: “That’s not what I said.”
Jaha: “That’s what they heard. The list was pragmatic, but people need to feel like they have a say in their fate.”

PERCEPTION = REALITY

Please Clarke, learn something from this because ***gulp*** Jaha is so right. More on this in the next section, where I talk about that savvy bastard.

Now, I HATE to do this because it feels a bit squicky, but does Clarke in this moment remind you of any other blonde politician that was accused of “not connecting” with people?

Yeah, I’m making the comparison here. DISCLAIMER: ignore the undertone of misogyny that laced much of the criticisms against Clinton, because I don’t have time to unpack all of that shit. And there’s a lot. And it’s exhausting. And I have to write this review and not just curl up in a ball on my floor and cry because the world is unfair and we still have such a long way to go.

DEEP BREATH

But yeah, Clinton very much approached issues and speeches from a cerebral slant, and dude, I like smart people. I love smart people. I don’t like blind, blunt, and crass appeals to populism because…well, you see what happens. But humans are looking for you to touch their hearts. We wouldn’t be trash for this show if it didn’t touch us all deeply, no matter what you’re trying to get out of it. Clarke is explaining her reasoning, but it’s not resonating, and trying harder to explain herself only gets her in deeper. It’s not hard to see why she falls flat here, even if you agree with her reasons. She’s just not getting it.

Clarke has only been in a position to try and persuade people a couple times in this show, whilst most of her decisions have been on her shoulders alone and under time constraints. So while she KNOWS in her head and heart that her intentions are good, her ability to communicate her reasoning in a way that resonates soundly with larger swathes of people just isn’t there yet. She’s able to argue with people like Raven, Bellamy, and Lexa successfully because they know her…they understand where she’s coming from, even when she doesn’t express herself as fully as she could. She doesn’t have that luxury with people who don’t know her heart. She needs to work on that. And man, when all of that just clicks in her head, she’ll be the leader that Jaha could only dream of…but she’s not there yet, which leads me to…

Wherein I Admit That Jaha Is The Best Leader On This Show And I End Up Hating Myself

I swear, my relationship with my thoughts on Jaha are complicated. On one hand, I think he could be a conniving, crazy danger to Clarke and the rest of Skaikru. I just don’t trust the dude.

But on the other hand, he’s a fucking brilliant politician and probably the best leader on the show.

NO ONE IS MORE CONFUSED ABOUT THIS THAN I AM.

(Sidebar: this is the point in the review where Dannifluff, world’s biggest Jaha apologist and fan, takes a sip of her darjeeling tea, leans back, and smiles a very British smile. “I always knew you would end up here. I just had to let you find your way to me.”)

GOD. DAMMIT.

Jaha comes to Clarke’s aid. This man is a smooth operator and realizes a couple important things:

1. You have to create and control your own message (or someone will do it for you)
2. Give people options and let them choose (or at least let them believe they have a choice)
3. Give people ownership in their fate and they’ll feel invested (they’ll be pliable)

Jaha is a fucking crafty fox. He’s smart as hell because he has years of experience under his belt as the Chancellor making decisions as tough as the ones Clarke is faced with here. But that experience yields better results because he knows how to handle people. He knows how to appeal to them from the heart AND the head.

Even if, you know, he never intends to follow through.

Does Jaha think a lottery is a good idea? Does he mean to save Clarke or undermine her? Is this a teaching moment, or is he sliding closer to being back in charge? CAN ANYONE DEFINITIVELY TELL ME?

Look, I don’t want to be a Jaha advocate here. I don’t want to be telling you that Jaha is hand’s down the best leader on this show, but this is where you end up when you have people who lack POLITICAL savvy. I’m not saying that Clarke isn’t a good leader, but she has to work on her ability to connect with people like Bellamy naturally does, or work people like Jaha does. It’s just fun having Jaha right now show the juxtaposition of good leadership versus growing leadership. He’s the best leader and the best politician, and yes, there’s a difference. Oh boy, is there ever a difference. Those pandering, sycophantic, cowardly fucks in DC are great politicians, but they are not leaders by any measure.

And how do I really feel? I refrained from also calling them “spineless” because I felt it was redundant with “cowardly.”

Anyhoo, we can only hope that Clarke is taking this all in like a sponge. I feel like she’d get there eventually on her own, because she has friends like Monty, Jasper, Bellamy, and Raven to help counsel her and shape the type of leader she needs to be for the future. She’s 18 years old and still learning, and repeating a lot of the same behaviors she’s seen from the leaders on the Ark. What she’s running into now are the repercussions of some of those decisions. Experience and insight will likely yield wiser decisions in the future and the ability to defend them that resonates with a wider range of people. Right now, she’s running in season 2 semi-Dark!Clarke mode, and she needs Wise!Clarke to emerge. Will that happen soon enough? I feel like Nyko could tell us, being very intuitive and whatnot, but HE’S DEAD. RIGHT KIM?

You Don’t Like Jasper Because You ARE Jasper

So let’s talk about the guy that people love to shit on lately, and I’ve been guilty of doing it myself. Coming into season 4, I felt that Jasper had out-lived his narrative usefulness, and we could do without him. Dammit if I didn’t like his role in this episode, and generally so far in season 4.

Look, I know what you want out of your entertainment: escapism. You don’t want people who display weakness because they remind you of, well, YOU.

Jasper has been through a lot, y’all, and I sometimes think his experience is downplayed or swept under the rug because he’s, at times, annoying or challenges our heroes in ways that impedes progress or shift blames or shirks responsibility. But Jasper is damaged, and that damage should be recognized and dealt with, not swept under the rug because it inconveniently reminds us of the struggles we might have in our own lives.

Jasper is very much the voice we need in the show to give Clarke another perspective, and he’s not doing it from a place of what could be perceived as selfishness or self-preservation. He’s done trying to survive, he wants to live, so he no longer has motives to sway Clarke one way or another.

They may not be friends right now, but they know what each other has gone through and what they’ve done both for and to each other throughout their journey. They can still bring value to one another, and if Jasper has to do that by wedging himself between Clarke’s current leadership model and Jaha’s leadership model to get her to consider a THIRD leadership path, then he plays a very important role. While I think Jaha is a good leader, I think Clarke can be a great leader, and her friends will help her get there. And I’d love to see Jasper be a counterargument to some of the hard-wired lessons she may have learned up in space on Alpha Station and the stuff that Jaha is filling her head with. Jaha has some good lessons to teach, but it comes with a lot of dangerous lessons as well. And again, we don’t know Jaha’s motives, so having more “no bullshit zone” folks like Jasper around helps temper Jaha’s “wise words of advice.”

So don’t shit all over Jasper. We are all, at times, Jasper. And we should embrace the parts of us who want to be sad or play pranks or not take life so seriously. Jasper gives Clarke some of the best realness the whole episode:

Clarke: “I shouldn’t have locked you up. I thought it was the only choice I had.”
Jasper: “It was the only choice you gave yourself.”

The world will be saved by those who aren’t afraid to tell the truth – people like Jasper Jordan, and, of course, the real housewives.

Becca’s Lab Is Sexy As Fuck

You cannot tell me that Abby and Raven didn’t have a little sciencegasm the second they stepped inside Becca’s lab. Because I had a little sciencegasm and I’m the furthest thing from a scientist as you can get.

While I’m not going to hold out hope to see Becca or ALIE again, I would be so pleased if we got either a Becca hologram in the lab or a flashback to Polaris times.

We know from Emori that there’s more on the island to be fearful of, but she’s not forthcoming at all, even when Murphy tries to pry more information from her. Uh, color me a bit concerned that Emori is holding some cards close to her chest, especially with Murphy. Is it just a plot device to tease us with unknown dangers, or is she hiding something specific? Time will tell.

Also, does the Second Dawn have a connection to Becca’s company, Polaris? How exciting/interesting is the thought of that? What if we get a flashback scene and Becca’s all like “dis bitch crazy” with Cadogan? Oooooooooh! I cannot wait to see if there’s any strands connecting the two!

It’s really nice to see a new set, especially one whose exterior is an homage to the Svalbard doomsday seed vault in Norway. Will this lab be another possible hideout from the nuclear radiation? I think it might be the setting for some drama to come, but without seeing the whole interior, it looks to be just a lab and not a long-term shelter if needed.

What I really want to see next week is Raven just rubbing all up against the sexy lab equipment while Murphy watches. “This is my happy place…shut up Murphy.”

Octavia Should Be Dead, Can We All Acknowledge This, Hand-Wave It Away, And Just Move On?

I don’t know how many times people have fallen from great heights into a body of water and survived, but it feels like a SHIT TON. It’s the tropiest of tropes. And goddammit if I don’t hope beyond all hope that people can survive taking a nose dive off a cliff. Especially if it means I get to see these two beautiful mother fuckers back to my TV:

Octavia’s survival is just another bit of extraordinary circumstances that we have to accept, as we have in the past with this show. I mean, NOW you’re going to nit pick? This was the one that really broke your suspension of disbelief? Child, please. JAHA RODE DOWN FROM SPACE….FROM SPACE….IN A FUCKING NUCLEAR MISSILE.

So I’m good with Octavia surviving a hundred-foot fall into two-foot deep water as she’s bleeding out. That’s Wolverine-level stuff and I’ll accept it. So I guess what I’m saying is: I assume she’s a mutant now.

The sword fight between Echo and Octavia was short and sweet and exhausting. Nothing glamorous about swinging a piece of steel around trying to decapitate your opponent. It’s hard work and I appreciate that it was conveyed as such here. The two women are panting and exhausted and it was fine work on both of their parts. But just one time during a sword fight I want someone to hold up their hand and say “could you….[pant]….give me….[pant]….a sec here?” and they just kinda call a timeout for some extra stretching and Gatorade.

Now I firmly believe that Echo didn’t intend to “kill” Octavia. It looked like a fuck up on both of their parts.

Echo: “Oops, it seems I kinda stuck my sword out as you were moving forward and you impaled yourself!”
Octavia: “Yeah, my bad. How silly of me! This is so embarrassing”

And Echo can’t help if Octavia is clumsy and prone to falling backwards off cliffs after having her kidney dissected involuntarily.

Octavia’s a bit of a stumbly bumbly.

Another Bad Day For Bellamy

There have been two times in this show that gotten me a bit misty-eyed. The first time was Sinclair’s death. “Stay in the rover…stay in the rover…stay in the rover..”. That KILLED me. And yup, the second time was Bellamy’s reaction to Octavia’s death.

Dammit, Bob Morley, that was a swift kick in the feels.

Both Roan and Echo display mixed emotions as well, and to me, that’s fascinating. I’ve heard there are rumblings online of people saying “fuck Echo, kill her,” but I stay off the cess pit of twattery that is Tumblr and try to not follow a-holes on twitter, so I find this reaction to Echo puzzling. Do these people simply NOT want complexity out of characters? Does anyone truly feel Echo intended to kill Octavia?

If people think the Bellamy / Echo / Octavia / Roan dynamic should be cut and dry and Azgeda should die, then I simply don’t know what to tell you. I think there’s A LOT Echo and Bellamy can learn from one another and I see it happening in Echo’s reaction to Bellamy’s grief. I don’t think she quite understands why she’s affected by his reaction. Girl, it’s called empathy, and it’s what makes us be less of a dick to one another. This show needs more bridge-building between Grounder and Skaikru to become the one people that Lexa and Clarke and Kane have envisioned, and if it means enemies start to empathize with one another, then so be it. There’s a common bond between all humans, and we need the show to explore that now more than ever.

You can see that Roan is pissed at Echo and makes her tell Bellamy of Octavia’s fate with a glance, and she really doesn’t look pleased to do it.  This is interesting stuff. They aren’t disinterested in the fate of these Skaikru nor unaffected by it, and I want to know more and understand why.

I have to say THANK GOD that the show didn’t tease us with Octavia’s fate and make us wait multiple episodes just to reveal a fake out. Because I HATE shows that pull that shit.

(I will never not be bitter about TWD)

Didn’t we kinda know Octavia would survive due to all the pre-season chatter from interviews telling us she had a great arc this season? I don’t think they would have meant the arc she traveled as she fell backwards off the cliff. DAD JOKE.

I really hope that they don’t make Bellamy suffer too long under the impression that Octavia is dead. I really can’t handle watching him in so much pain. And we certainly don’t need that pain again as a driver of his actions…season 3 gave us that to a great degree with mixed success.

I cannot wait for Bellamy, Echo, and Octavia to all be in the same room together. It’s going to be pure drama! I just want like a minute of camera time spent on the exchange of surprised, dramatic glances, like a Mexican soap opera. Of course, I couldn’t find a gif that expressed Mexican soap opera to my liking, so the Californians will have to do:

So,not only did Octavia survive, but Helios is there to save her by taking her “home.” Yes, that was a great moment…Octavia calling Arkadia home. Got me a bit in the feels. I’m so loving Octavia this season.

Helios Is Awesome And The New Hero Of The Series

See title of section. Nod your head in agreement. All hail Helios!

Kim Shumway Killed Nyko, Kim Shumway Killed Nyko, Kim Shumway Killed Nyko!

I HOPE THAT SECTION TITLE SHOWS UP ON ALL FUTURE GOOGLE SEARCHES BY PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYERS, FRIENDS, BLIND DATES, AND LOAN OFFICERS AND THAT YOU HAVE SOME AWKWARD EXPLAINING TO DO, SHUMWAY!

This Week In FanDUMB

So, for a couple weeks now, a few extremist Bellarkers have been dragging me a bit because I’m not a Bellarker like them and feel I undermine/devalue their ship by joking around. Mind you, these are the OUTLIERS of the Bellarke fandom, and they are pitiful, lost children. They are not the majority of fun, happy Bellarkers who are, at this very moment, reading Bellarke smut on AO3.

OH, LIKE YOU AREN’T?! I SEE YOU TRASH BAGS.

If you read my reviews and come away from them thinking I hate Bellamy, you are dumb. But this doesn’t stop the dumb from misinterpreting my reviews and snarking it up on social media.

It’s also funny now much I trigger people by JOKINGLY saying that Becho is endgame. And I say straight up “I’m taking the piss here,” but for some reason, that flies right over the heads of a few people. I am somehow attacking their ship by suggesting a different Bellamy ship THAT WILL NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS HAPPEN. Besides, we all know Broan is now endgame. Do I need to bubblewrap that sentiment to protect wee little fee fees? Or can we just ALL agree that Broan > all ships.

I cannot be the babysitter of fragile feelings or weak minds. I will not censor myself to avoid the ire of wonky fans. I will not put infant safety guards on my reviews so people can harmlessly navigate their way through them. I don’t coddle.

Not supporting a specific ship doesn’t mean the end of the world. It doesn’t mean that I’m looking to burn your ship to the ground. It doesn’t mean that I won’t be fine if it does happen. Disagreement is how life works. People have different viewpoints, and if you get your butt hurt over PETTY THINGS LIKE A GODDAMN TV SHOW, then you’re in for a bad time. And if you call me out on twitter, then don’t be all “omg why aren’t you respecting my FEELINGS?!?!” when I use logic and reasoning and FACTS to rebut your argument that my reviews are “trash.”

Don’t start none, won’t be none. Easy peasy lemon squeasy.

AND ANOTHER GODDAMN THING. I support this show. Not a ship. THE SHOW. And I do it by writing these reviews, podcasting about it, tweeting about it, and word-of-mouthing it to other people (that really doesn’t sound right). I also put my money where my mouth is. I support the show by buying season subscriptions. At full price, mind you. Guess who’s going to dump a shit ton of cash on The 100 Funko Pops? Me, in the hopes they’ll make more (and hopefully color correct for minority representation). If CW made a full-size Kane body pillow, who would sleep on the sidewalk to be first in line to get it at the CW store? ME.

So I challenge everyone who calls my reviews trash to instead: buy season 4 on amazon/itunes, buy a Funko or two, stream the show on Netflix a lot, keep banging #The100 hashtag out on social media, and get us a season 5 instead of berating my reviews. Guys, I know my reviews are trash. These aren’t going to get me a job anywhere and that’s not my goal. This is all for funzies. In order to remind us ALL that Becho is endgame.

And that Kim Shumway Killed Nyko.

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Miscellany

• My ship, Slarke (soap + Clarke) is sailing along quite nicely…we got a little foam mixed up in there, and you know what, I liked it.
• Luna needs to loan Clarke some of her Bumble and Bumble Surf Spray.
• No, but seriously, this hair:
  
• I’m officially over Riley. Send the angry mob.
• Monty is doing some very important character work and I hope we don’t end up overlooking him this season.
• Becho is still endgame. Send the angry mob.
• Yes, I’m starting to occasionally reuse old gifs from previous reviews. Sometimes one gif perfectly sums up my thoughts and feels. So be it.
• Miller is starting to step up and I like it. He can boss me around and yell at me to take cover any time.
• I have never rooted harder for anything than I was when Raven was trying to convince Luna to stay and help (okay, slight lie…rooted a WEE bit harder for the Cubs to win the World Series).
• Where Indra at?
• SO OMG DO YOU THINK LUNA MAKES THE MOST BOMB ASS FRIENDSHIP BRACELETS OR WHAT?!
• (editing note to self: delete “bomb ass” from previous bullet point…no one says that anymore…use “lit” or “on fleek”)
• Where were you the day Kim Shumway killed Nyko?
• Now that Nyko is dead, killed by you-know-who, Helios is now my favorite character.
• If you enjoyed this review, could you do me a favor and share / retweet / like it on twitter? I hate to ask this because I hate asking anyone to do anything for me, but I’d really appreciate it.
• But seriously, I hate asking folks for anything. I once endured a kidney stone for a whole weekend because I didn’t want to bother my brother to take me to the doctor.
• Hey people who like sounds entering your ear holes! I have a Spotify playlist, which is music from and inspired by The 100. You can find it right here and marvel at my musical tastes. I keep it up to date with anything featured on the show or in promos. I’m thorough like that.
• Thanks for sticking around and reading this review! If you’d like your earballs tickled with a The 100 podcast I cohost, please check out maywegeekagain.podbean.com.

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FINAL VERDICT!

“The Four Horsemen”: 8.5 out of 10 Kim Shumways Killing Nyko 

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There are some The 100 reviewers/recaps/writers you should absolutely be reading, and I offer them up for your enjoyment; I have no affiliation with any of them, save for being a fan:

• Erin Brown – unfairly beautiful writing. Like seriously, stop being so good.
• McKenzie Morrell – recapping her damn face off and great interviews with the cast!
• Toni_watches – piss your goddamn pants funny photo recaps.
• Selina Wilken – a mix of passionate fandom and truly professional journalism.
• Jo Garfein – Hosts The Dropship podcast and has some great fandom charity auctions

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If you’re a fan of the show, join us on Reddit for deep discussions, wacky shenanigans, Trigedasleng lessons, and clan flair! It’s the least toxic place you can find right now for The 100 fandom. Mods got that shit on lockdown.