Soooo…context. And context is important here, because without it, people will think I’m smoking the meth. Note: you may need to smoke the meth to get through this.
You know Oprah’s “I LOVE BREAD!” commercials she’s doing now for Weight Watchers? Well, over on the The 100 subreddit, we started taking note of this commercial when it aired during a couple early episodes of this season. The commercial was weirdly out of place and it’s sorta over the top, like Oprah. And it kinda became our running joke. We dubbed Oprah “Breadheda” – the Commander of Bread. It sounds stupid, but this is the way internet things work…silly absurd asides take on a life of their own. I started mentioning Breadheda in my reviews, and well…playfully mentioned on Reddit I was considering writing Breadheda fan fic. But then I thought: why not actually write Breadheda fan fic? This is going to be an unconscionable train wreck of absolute fuckery, so I apologize in advance.
Bread drein, bread daun! Bread must have bread!
“Heda, she’s here.”
Lexa shifts a bit on her throne and nods to the guard. “Bring her in.”
The doors to the throne room opens, and in strides Oprah. The clan ambassadors shift in their seats nervously.
The guard announces: “Oprah kom Wrigleykru, here for an audience with the Commander.”
“Welcome Oprah kom Wrigleykru, it’s been a long time since we last spoke face to face,” Lexa says.
Oprah raises up a bit. “It’s Breadheda, now, with all due respect, Lexa,” she states.
Lexa’s eyes narrow. “Uh…come again?”
“Perhaps you haven’t heard, but I. LOVE. BREAD.”
“I think we have all heard by now. How is this even a thing?” Lexa questions.
Oprah chuckles and says, “the Watchers of the Weight have told me I can eat bread again, and it’s wonderful. Bread is now okay!”
Clarke stirs in her seat. Of course she’s in this scene! Did you think there wouldn’t be CLEXA? Now go shout CLEXA in the comments! It’s all the rage to do to the poor writers on Twitter, after all. Every time someone tweets CLEXA at a writer, an angel pulls the wings off of another angel. Did you know that?
Clarke is curious. “The Watchers of the Weight? Is that like the Watches on the Wall? I love Game of Thrones. Do you think Jon Snow is dead or…”
“Clarke!” Lexa angrily interjects.”No spoilers please! Besides, Game of Thrones is a completely different show and you’re really taking me out of cannon here.”
“Oprah is in your throne room calling herself ‘Breadheda’ and talking about her love for gluten products and I’M the one taking you out of cannon?”
Lexa sighs. “I’m so going to stare meaningfully at you later with these expressive eyes, Clarke, but for now, let’s get back to the mighty Breadheda over here.” She fixes her gaze on Oprah. “Tell me Breadheda, why have your commercials stopped appearing on our show? We had an agreement.”
“Agreements with you usually end in betrayal, Heda,” Oprah coolly states.
“FUCKING RIGHT THEY DO!” Clarke yells. OH SNAP! Clarke and Roan high-five. By the way, Roan is in this scene and also shirtless because it’s MY fanfic dammit and dem abs on Roan, am I right?
“Lawyer up next time,” Lexa yells back at the duo. “I do not observe verbal contracts, only written ones!”
The other clan members in the room nod knowingly.
Lexa sighs. “Back to Breadheda. I hear rumors you have been showing up in Shondaland.”
The room stills. This is shocking news. “Explain yourself,” Lexa demands.
“It’s simple. Shondaland is a better target demographic for the Watches of the Weight, so therefore I’m hanging out over there. With my bread. Which I love, by the way,” Oprah says.
“Olivia Pope and her damn wine,” Lexa hisses. “Because of your betrayal, we are now unwillingly gluten free here in Polis. You will reverse your course of action and come back to our show.”
Oprah slowly shakes her head. “And go against Shonda? Are you kidding me? Nope. Not going to happen.”
Lexa’s brow furrows. Her anger is obvious. “Did you not see me kick an Azgeda representative off my tower for far less? Do you think I will spare you? I’ve gotten so good at booting fools off this tower that my people have drawn a target for me down there, complete with a point system. Twenty five more points and I win a Game Boy Color!”
Titus speaks up. “I comes with a Pokemon game. Heda will catch them all.”
“Yes, I will catch them all, my Pokemons,” Lexa smiles, anger temporarily gone, replaced by thoughts of the Pokemons.
“What in the hell is going on in this scene? I don’t even know what a Pokemon is,” says Roan, his glorious abs glistening in the light of one thousand candles, which I guess is a thing right now on the Twitters. Seriously, THIS SHOW AND ITS CANDLES!
Clarke leans forward. “So, do we kill Breadheda now? Because it’s been a couple episodes since I’ve killed a shit ton of people and I’m feeling like I’m a bit out of practice. Can I do the kicking off the tower thing?”
“Clarke,” Lexa says, “it’s my tower. I do the kicking.”
“Well, then I will certainly not breathe really heavy and scowl at you later when you stare meaningfully at me with those eyes,” Clarke replies.
“Oh really?” Lexa asks. “Heart eyes mode activated!”
Lexa stares at Clarke. Meaningfully. Clarke’s breath quickens and her brow furrows. “DAMMIT, STOP!”
“You stop,” Lexa teases.
“No you.” Clarke fires back.
Lexa doubles down on the heart eyes. Clarke stares back, but eventually breaks eye contact while swearing under her breath.
“And that’s why all of fandom fucking loves me,” Lexa boasts.
Oprah clears her throat. “Let’s bring it back to me, guys. I cannot break my word to Shonda. Leave her land of women who drink lots of wine and stress over their relationships and get away with murder? I would be doomed.”
Suddenly, there’s a commotion outside of the throne room. Bellamy bursts in!
“Clarke! I’m here to save you. And also here for the Bellarke shippers! Hey guys!”
“Aw, that’s cute, but as usual, your timing sucks,” Lexa states. “And this isn’t your season to get your Bellarke on. Clexa is happening. I’ve skimmed through some future scripts and boy oh boy, Clexa is soooooo happening.” OH SNAP! Lexa and Roan high-five. He’s still very shirtless by the way.
Bellamy looks crestfallen. “That’s okay,” he says. “I still have the memory of what’s her name to keep me going. She was so…real…and stuff. I even kinda remember that she had hair…maybe? We had two scenes together, guys, give me a break!”
“Yeah, she was a real peach. You can go now,” Lexa firmly intones.
“Yeah, I get that. Time for me to go back and be an absolute twat nozzle to the Grounders!”
“Guards! Escort Bellamy out. The Bellarkers got their small taste, and that’s all they’ll be getting for awhile,” Lexa commands, being the Commander and all.
“Hey, is that Oprah Winfrey?” Bellamy excitedly asks, secretly a member of her book club. “I love bread too!” Bellamy yells as Lexa’s guards remove him from the throne room.
Lexa sighs. “Back to the matter at hand. You have a decision to make, Breadheda. Come back to The 100 or pay for your insubordination.”
“You know I can’t do that.”
“I get to kill her now, right?” Clarke asks. Roan nods his approval. “Wanheda in the house,” he gleefully says.
“Enough!” Lexa’s anger is palpable. She takes a moment to consider her options. A stark realization slowly crosses her face. “The clans cannot afford a war with Shondaland. We don’t have enough wine or really fast-talking characters that rush through their dialog as if they’re in an Aaron Sorkin show. We would lose too many warriors. I will not sacrifice my people to Meredith Grey.”
Titus stirs at Lexa’s side. “Commander! This betrayal cannot go unavenged! Wait, that doesn’t seem to be a word. Revenged? Or maybe there’s a hyphen? Un-avenged? That doesn’t look right. Goddammit.”
“Titus, you are one weird mother fucker.” Lexa says. “But you know I’m right. Our people would suffer the wrath of Shonda. She’s RUTHLESS. How many people has she killed off on her shows? I’m still not over McDreamy. She will decimate us without giving it a second thought.”
Clarke speaks up. “She’s right, Titus. As much as I’d love to shank Breadheda over there, Lexa’s right. Have you seen How To Get Away With Murder? All Shonda would have to do is unleash Annalise and her gang of weirdo law students on us and we’d be dead.”
Titus backs down. Annalise, he shudders. He can’t even begin to fathom the depth of destruction she would bring upon them. The convoluted plot alone would bury the clans in confusion and madness.
Lexa leans forward, a slight frown of resignation on her face.
“Oprah kom Wrigleykru, Breadheda, you may return to your people.”
Oprah nods. “Thank you, Heda. But I have one last message. But not for you. For them.”
Breadheda turns and looks at you. Yes, you. You feel a darkness snake over you as she gazes deeply into your eyes. But you cannot look away. Breadheda commands your attention.
“The Watchers of the Weight have told me that bread is good for you again. Do not believe them. They bring lies and trickery. I am trapped in their City of Bread, unable to escape, but you must not give in. Don’t accept their bagels or sourdough or those tasty pretzel rolls.”
A chill spiderwebs across your spine, and its tendrils burrow into your skin, spreading inside your chest. A shadow falls across your soul.
Oprah holds your gaze and continues.
“Fight them! They say they will take the pain of a carbohydrate-free lifestyle away, but it’s a deceit. I am powerless to stop them because I do indeed love bread. I love it so much, you guys. You don’t even know. But I beg of you to resist them. The City of Bread is a lie. Save yourselves before you become enslaved. I have no choice. I have to go now, B.I.A.L.Y is calling me back. Be strong my friends! Don’t let them take you!”
And with that, Oprah disappears from view, and you feel yourself slowly falling into deep waters, a faint laugh teasing your ears as you’re pulled by an undertow you can’t resist. Surely this is madness, your brain cries out.
Yes. Yes it is, I whisper.