Well, I’ve managed to write something that never needed to exist that appeals to a target demographic of around three people. I’ve lost it. I’ve gone insane. This is a completely, totally, wholly unnecessary post born out of a mind that obviously is going to waste thinking of silly nonsensical things instead of adult stuff.
But adult stuff is boring, so let’s have some freakin’ fun, y’all! If The 100 characters were WWE wrestlers, who would they be? Let the silliness ensue!
For those unfamiliar with wrestling terminology, I provide a quick primer.
Lexa = Sasha Banks
Heda is obviously The Boss, Sasha Banks. Sasha is swag personified. Lexa would be swag personified if the Grounders knew what swag was. Sasha isn’t afraid to betray a friendship or two to further her agenda…sound like anyone we know? Kick a dude off a tower? Sure, Sasha’s game, no questions asked. And while Lexa may have ditched Clarke at Mount Weather, breaking all our hearts, Sasha made a little girl cry in her Ironman match with Bayley. Harsh, y’all. Both are fan favorites of their respective worlds, regardless if they’re babyfaces or heels. Too bad The 100 characters don’t get their own entrance music because I think Lexa’s would be pretty dope, but let’s be real, no one’s music is going to beat Sasha’s:
Sasha’s finisher: The Bank Statement, a submission move. Lexa seems to be into submission. From a political standpoint, of course. Like people bowing to her. What did you think I was talking about?
Clarke = Finn Balor
Finn Balor likes to paint his body and let “The Demon” out to take on his opponents. Clarke’s all like, “that’s cute,” because when her demon comes out, she kills people. Usually in large, Costco-sized quantities. You don’t earn the moniker of “The Commander of Death” by not being a badass. Both are cunning and scowl a lot and will go to a dark place to win the day. And then they’ll go back to being normal people for awhile until they have to let the monster out again. I question anyone who doesn’t love them both because they are awesome. Destined for greatness in their respective worlds, Balor will one day rule the WWE and Clarke will one day rule the earth.
Balor’s finisher: The Coup de Grace. That’s french for “blow of mercy.” Which Clarke is all too familiar with, killing Atom in season 1 so he wouldn’t suffer. She’s progressed far beyond that now…very far.
Bellamy = Dean Ambrose
Dean is billed as the “Lunatic Fringe,” which in WWE parlance means he’s unpredictable. But let’s be honest, they just needed something to put on his tee shirts. Guided more by his emotions than his brain, he tends to dive into the deep end and throw fists, even if it means challenging someone like Brock Lesnar. Seriously, who picks a fight with Brock Lesnar? Bellamy needs others, like Clarke, to stop him from making impulsive decisions, like getting in Brock Lesnar’s face. Or murdering people sent to protect you because you have trust issues. Grow up, boo. (note: this hasn’t happened yet, so hold out hope)
Ambrose’s finisher: Dirty Deeds. Uh oh, if that’s not prophetic, I don’t know what is. Come back to us, Bellamy. Come to the light! Don’t start this war with the Grounders!
Octavia = CM Punk
Our favorite scrappy anti-hero CM Punk does what he needs to do to prove himself as “the best in the world.” And he pretty much is the best in the world, and so is Octavia, our little Grounder wannabe. Punk’s not the biggest guy, or the strongest guy, but he’ll beat you with sheer force of will. To say neither Punk or Octavia are fans of the establishment would be an understatement. They’re the rebels of their respective worlds with huge chips on their shoulders, as they’re often underestimated by the bigger dogs in the yard. That would be a foolish mistake, especially with Octavia who has somehow become a ninja in like 6 months. I will happily suspend my disbelief for this one because Octavia’s character evolution has been fan-freaking-tastic.
Punk’s finisher: The Go To Sleep. Octavia makes people go to sleep. And when I say “sleep,” I mean she kills them by hurling her sword into their chest.
Here’s CM Punk in the moment that brought me back to wrestling, the infamous “pipebomb” promo. He breaks kayfabe (staged events and scripted dialog) and utterly destroys the WWE.
Raven = Stone Cold Steve Austin
Stone Cold Steve Austin is one of the all-time greats in the WWE. He’ll joke around with you, give you a beer, then kick your damn ass if he feels like it. Is it strange to put Raven in the rarefied air with Stone Cold? Hell no. She’s a bad ass who knows she’s a bad ass and isn’t afraid to tell you she’s a bad ass. Raven is, simply put, the best. If you agree, gimme me a hell yeah! If you had to pick someone to have your back, you’d pick Raven. She doesn’t have the word “quit” in her vocabulary. Now, if she could just stop getting blown up, that would be great. I bet Stone Cold would love to share a beer with her and swap stories of stomping mudholes in people’s asses and walking them dry.
Austin’s finisher: The Stone Cold Stunner. It’s not fancy, but it gets the job done. Raven’s weapon of choice is usually something explodey. Not too subtle, but oh so effective. Raven 3:16 says “I just kicked your ass!”
Jaha = Bray Wyatt
Bray Wyatt is a crazy cult leader. Jaha is a crazy cult leader. Bray used to be cool and interesting, but has grown stagnant. He spends his time on the mic saying the same thing over and over again, then proceeds to get his ass kicked in every meaningful match. Jaha is coo coo crazy and to be honest, was never very cool or interesting, but now he’s an insufferable evangelist for his invisible AI friend A.L.I.E. and the City of Light, a matrix-like construct where pain doesn’t exist. When both come on screen, I roll my eyes and groan “THIS GUY.” To make it worse, Jaha is about to unleash an AI on the world, the same AI that nuked the world once to “make life better.” So THANKS A LOT, JAHA. Ugh.
Bray’s finisher: Sister Abigail. Named after his never-seen “sister” that I guess is his muse … or something … I don’t even know. Wrestling is really dumb sometimes. Jaha listens to his muse as well and won’t stop talking about it, forfuckssakealready.
Murphy = Seth Rollins
These guys are both complete dicks. Seth Rollins is a sarcastic, smart ass chicken shit heel. Murphy started off as an unabashed asshole who had no problem killing anyone. He shot and paralyzed our beloved Raven for god’s sake! Yet we somehow love both of these guys. Murphy is getting the good ol’ redemption story arc right now and fans are eating it up. When Seth Rollins comes back from injury, he’ll get a huge pop because he’s at the top of his game and we need him in our lives. But don’t ever trust Seth or Murphy, because they’ve turned on their people before and will likely do it again before all is said and done.
Seth’s finisher: The Curb Stomp (I refuse to acknowledge him now using The Pedigree). Murphy would curb stomp a bitch in a hot minute while making some smart aleck remark, and we’d cheer him on, dammit.
Here’s Seth Rollins having a bit of a Murphy moment when he threatens to kill Edge:
A.L.I.E. = Asuka
Asuka seems pleasant enough when she smiles and plays nice. A.L.I.E. seems pleasant enough when she smiles and plays nice. And to be honest, they both fucking terrify me. When Asuka comes to the ring, the crowd starts up a sing-song chant of “Asuka’s going to kill you!”, so yeah, that’s pretty much all you need to know right there. Asuka can turn the switch from nice to serial killer in a split second. While A.L.I.E.’s end game for humanity has yet to be revealed, I have a very, very bad feeling she’s going to entrap humanity in the City of Light in order to follow her prime directive of “making life better.” She did nuke the world 97 years prior, so she’s not exactly to be trusted with carbon-based life.
Asuka’s finisher: The Asuka Lock, a submission move. I have a feeling that the City of Light is A.L.I.E.’s submission move for those left on earth. Hold me. But not in an Asuka Lock – it looks painful and I’m fragile.
The Adventure Squad = Degeneration X
When our intrepid delinquents get together to go out and kick butt, they’re lovingly known as “The Adventure Squad” by fans. What better wrestling stable to compare them to but Degeneration X, a bunch of ne’er do-wells who helped usher in the anything goes “Attitude Era” in the WWE. DX may not be as dangerous as The Adventure Squad, who usually get a little blood on their hands, but in the PG world of TV back in the 90’s, DX was crotch chopping and shouting “Suck it!” on live TV. Neither group tends to listen to or respect authority and will run the damn show if you let them. Which is fine by me, because I’ve got TWO WORDS for ya…..”Suck it!”
Don’t get wrestling? That’s okay. It’s goofy. Often times it’s bad. But when it’s good, it’s fucking great. Film maker Max Landis will hilariously explain it to you:
For folks unfamiliar with wrestling jargon, here’s a quick summary:
Babyface / Face: the good guy
Heel: the bad guy
Selling: in-ring performing/acting (physical or emotional) to tell a story
Finisher: a wrestler’s signature move that often leads to their victory
On the mic: a wrestler’s talking skills (or sometimes lack thereof)
Pop: the crowd’s reaction to a wrestler; the bigger the pop, the better
Smark: a smart “mark,” or someone who is intensely aware that wrestling is fake; often tired of retread stars or story lines