Who else likes sand worms that burrow into the human body and explode out your abdomen like it’s late for a movie and doesn’t want to miss the previews?

“Shifting Sands,” written by Nick Bragg and directed by Omar Madha, felt like it was moving at light speed while slowing down just enough to hit us with shit like “who’s the hobbit?” and campfire chats and…oh yeah…SAND WORM PARASITES THAT BURROW INTO YOUR SKIN AND EXPLODE OUT YOUR BELLY BUTTON LIKE WHOA. 

Not too shabby for Nick Bragg’s first ever TV episode, right guys?! If I were him, I’d…wait for it…bragg about it.

Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

Man, a lot happened this episode. A LOT. And I’m not just talking about the sand worms or the missiles. We had fireside chats. Tequila tastings. A sweaty, torturey meet cute. Oh, and rations likely made out of human spleens and such.

Let’s get into it!

I’ve Had Enough of Your Cult Shenanigans, Octavia

Y’all.

Y’ALL.

ALL Y’ALL (that’s how you know I’m serious).

I do not like Octavia. Nope. Not anymore. Off that Octavia tip. She scares the living poodles out of me AND SHE THREATENED HER BIG BRO IN A GODFATHER FREDO MOVE.

I mean, strong intimidation game right there, Octavia, I’ll give it to you for that baller move…

…but you do not…DO NOT… threaten your brother over your weirdo cult that probably eats fig newtons made out of people. I mean, c’mon. That’s your blood. I have an older brother who I love to death. We work at the same company. He gives me a ton of shit (as big brothers do), but I could never imagine picking anyone over him if the chips were down. Especially not a cult that makes biscuits & gravy out of people meat.

Bellamy’s life has revolved around Octavia for a very long time. Seeing her again was his biggest motivation to get back to earth. And she fuckin’ threatens Bellamy? And does it in front of Clarke who is the personification of WTF at witnessing that moment.

It’s obvious that this cult is serious business. Like…deadly serious business. Even Diyoza is impressed by their dedication to Octavia. They protected her from a sand storm with glass shards flying through it, for fuck’s sake! How Octavia engendered such blind, unbelievable loyalty is still something I’ve yet to entirely fathom, but I’m sure we’ll learn more when we get deeper into Wonkru’s backstory, including the Dark Year.

The Dark Year. 

The more I think about what the Dark Year COULD be, the more fear pee pee dribbles out.

Also, I’m 46, so, you know, old bladder parts.

I’m soooooo disturbed by how Miller ignores and avoids Clarke and Bellamy as they try to find out where he’s going. I love the Jackson and Miller bits a lot, but we’ve yet to really see how Jackson has changed for being in the bunker, but Miller seems to be drinking the cult Kool-Aid by the buckets, as he’s essentially ignoring this old school friends. Who has more “value” to Miller in their respective sides of the ledger? Bellamy and Clarke have saved Miller’s life in the past, have fought by his side, but that he can just blow them off like a bad Tindr date is troubling.

We find out Octavia is sending them across the dry seabed, which is now basically a desert, to be forward scouts for Wonkru. The route that Octavia has planned for them all takes is Bad Idea Jeans as Clarke knows the seabed is victim to frequent sand storms, featuring flying shards of glass. Funsies!

And of course, Octavia completely ignores the ONE person who has a shit ton of more intel on all the surrounding geographic areas and their dangers.

I’m sorry, but Clarke has been on the surface for six years, maybe, JUST MAYBE, she knows a fuckton more about the best way to get to Eden than the almighty Blodreina does? LISTEN. TO. CLARKE. (this feels like it will become a recurring mantra)

And did…just give me a second to compose myself here because I’m about to SMACK A BITCH. (breathe)

Did…trying to remain calm…DID KARA FUCKING COOPER JUST “WELL, ACTUALLY” MY GIRL CLARKE “SHE JUST SAVES EVERYONE ALL THE TIME, NO BIG DEAL” GRIFFIN AND SAY THEY ONLY HAVE RATIONS FOR SIX DAYS SO THEY HAVE TO TAKE THE SHORTEST ROUTE???!!!

(“And besides, six days risking a sandstorm is nothing like the time I followed Phish around the country for a whole year and couldn’t wash my hair for days at a time. It was awful, you guys.” – Kara, probably)

Hey, you ever almost puke because you’re so angry and that’s the only way for the hate to flow freely out of you? Because if it’s not a thing, I’m going to make it a thing.

While we’re on the subject of Kara Cooper, the Worst Person In The World^TM…

Kara Is Such a TRY HARD and I Hate Her SO MUCH, Oh My God You Don’t Even Know

Oh, look who the try hard suck up is. Surprise, surprise, surprise, it’s Kara Cooper, bunker hijacker failure and jam band enthusiast.

Coo coo for coco puffs Kara is going to be T.R.O.U.B.L.E. at some point, and I think she’ll likely butt heads with Indra, as they seem to have a rather cool working relationship at this point. Can you imagine the emails back and forth between those two? CHILLY. How Kara ever wormed her way (WORM JOKES, I HAVE THEM) so close to Octavia to become one of her closest advisers is beyond me.

Y’all know what side I’ll be on in that war of wills (and maybe the war for Octavia’s soul at this point) between Kara and Indra. Indra. Every day of the week and twice on Sundays. Because Indra is noble and smart and loyal and her side eye game is legendary and Kara is THE WORST.

And that’s all I have to say about Kara, who I hate. A lot.

(for reals tho: no hate on the actress, just the character. I’m not a monster. I would hope the actress would be tickled by my over-the-top absurdist reaction to her poopy head character, who is, in case you were wondering, THE WOOOOOOOOORST.)

Since I mentioned Indra, let me talk about her a bit next. She is the exact opposite of the worst.

I Love Indra and Octavia Doesn’t Deserve Her (pout pout pout)

Can we talk about that campfire dialog? CAN WE TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT MADE ME 1000000% WANT THE VERY BEST FOR INDRA.

Octavia:
Love is weakness.

Indra:
Gaia’s teachings, no doubt. I hoped she was beyond such nonsense.

Octavia:
It isn’t nonsense. Love no one and no one can hurt you.

Indra:
I love you. Does that make me weak?

Octavia:
I would never say that to you, Seda.

All I want after that exchange was nothing but love and light and unicorns for Indra because this world does not deserve someone that loyal. This is a live look in on me after Indra said she loves Octavia:

I’m SO scared for Indra after what we’ve seen so far. I think Indra, while loyal to Octavia, also has a nobility that will prevent her from crossing personal lines, and one of those lines might be watching Octavia doing something to destroy herself or her soul. Indra might even turn on Octavia in order to protect her from herself in the long run. I could see a self-sacrifice happen even though it might mean death at the hands of Wonkru. She could even end up saving Bellamy from Octavia, knowing that O doing raising a hand to strike down Bellamy would utterly destroy O.

And y’all, we haven’t even seen Indra pull out the Lincoln card yet. That will be a SCENE. Lincoln would be horrified by this version of Octavia. Horrified.

Guys. I love the idea of all this conflict, the push/pull for Octavia’s soul, but I don’t like the possible ramifications, which could be Indra’s death.

Hashtag Protect Indra At All Costs 2018.

Raven and Murphy and Miles Ezekiel Shaw Walked Into A Bar…

Okay guys, I love Raven and Murphy in a really tight spot and protecting one another and being all sweaty and stuff. Like, there seriously must be a rider in Lindsey’s contract that states she must be covered in a heavy moist sheen at least once per season. Some actors ask for M&Ms in their dressing room…Lindsey…moisture and a sweat-stained shirts.

I mean, she makes it look good. No shame in her game.

I don’t know why it always seems that Raven and Murphy are away from the core group of the Adventure Squad, getting tortured or otherwise occupied, but I’d love for Raven to get back with her friends as quickly as possible. Sure, she can grab some nook off of Shaw on the way out the door, but let’s get the damn Adventure Squad back in swing. Give me some Princess Mechanic and Ravenblarke and Ravemonteclarkeammyechoper. My ship name game: on point, son.

I guess we’ll leave Octavia out for now. She’s got her new, more mature friends and barely even acknowledges her old crew. She’s totally Mean Girling the Adventure Squad.

Raven, OF COURSE, has a plan to thwart Diyoza and co. while also appealing to Shaw’s sense of right and wrong. It must be hard balancing one’s sense of self-preservation and morality, but he comes through when it counts, both in preventing McCreary from killing Murphy and/or Raven, and in pulling a little slight of hand to make the missiles go where Wonkru no longer is.

Guys, I’ve expressed some trepidation about Shaw. I figure he had to sell someone out to save his skin, and maybe he did, but who hasn’t at this point in the show? If he can be trusted to be an ally, and give Raven a little what what (if you know what I mean winky wink), then I’m Team Shaw. Doesn’t hurt that he’s a little cutie pie, either.

But I’m still unclear if he did turn on her a bit (or if it was a planned ruse) to tell Diyoza that they could track Murphy to the rest of Spacekru hiding in the forest and Madi. If so…boo sir! I say boo! If not…then well played sir.

Murphy once again shines as both the smart ass and the guy who grudgingly does unselfish things. I see you, Murphy. You try to be this closed-off jerk wad, but you can’t hide that you’re a bonafide good guy when the times need you to step up.

When Murphy got out of the Rover, I was of course upset he’d be apart from his friends YET AGAIN, but when I saw Emori got out as well, I nodded and said “that’s my girl.” I do not think the moment was lost on Murphy, either.

There’s still love there guys. I mean, c’mon. The look on Murphy’s face? There is love there. It’s just hiding under a crust of stubborn “whatever, I don’t care (but really I do care, I just hide it because if I admit I DO care I’ll be vulnerable and you could hurt me or I could disappoint you and I’m scared).”

Emori jumping out of that Rover to stick with Murphy is brightest spot of hope I’ve seen in 2018.

Um, I Feel Like Abby Is Violating HIPPA Rules…Am I the Only One With Compliance Concerns Here?

Well, we now kinda know what’s wrong with the folks on Prisonkru who are sick, and I guess I can only really liken it to inhaling asbestos for years. I don’t think that’s all there’s to it, as I think there might be something a bit…alien…in this disease. I also have questions about how they could inhale what they were mining on an asteroid, since I would think there’s no breathable air on said asteroid in which to inhale a foreign body that’s stirred up in the air through mining rocks. But whatevs. Get outta here with that science.

We learn that McCreary is one of the sick people, along with a new character, Vinson, who I will talk about later (spoiler alert: I loves him so much why is this happening to me?). What we don’t know yet is how to cure it. But who can figure it out?

ABBY! The smart doctor! With a little help from her drug-addiction-enabling abductor, Diyoza, Abby is going to doctor the hell out of that sickness and cure the fuck outta it.

Or not, because she’s, you know, a drug addict who’s barely holding her shit together and is liable to fling apart at the seams any second now. But hey, that’s such a glass half-full way of looking at things. I’m sure everything will be fine. I believe in you, Abby!

(oh my god Abby is so screwed)

Okay Can I Talk About Vinson and His Cute Little Readers with Their Cute Little Cord?

I LOVE VINSON YOU CAN HATE ME ALL YOU WANT BUT I LOVE HIM. They put glasses on the serial killer and they…I have to pause here to collect myself…they put that little cord retainer people use on their readers (I fear I might be heading that way myself) and it’s the damn cutest thing ever.

DAMN YOU THE 100. YOU HAVE FOUND NEW JEN CATNIP.

Vinson seems to be the “nice” type of serial killer I love so much that is self-aware and will kindly pre-warn you before he gnaws your face off.

That being said, after seeing him so quickly and easily palm the scalpel, I have a feeling this “nice” serial killer is going to be absolutely terrifying when he shifts into killer mode.

I can’t wait, y’all.

Fireside Chats, Complete With Yummy S’Mores, If By S’Mores You Mean PEOPLE

While I want to acknowledge that Clarke and Bellamy had a nice conversation next to the campfire, and they did, I couldn’t concentrate over all the HUMAN GRANOLA BARS being consumed (allegedly) by Wonkru as they chanted “all we are, we owe her” or whatever Octavia’s weirdo flying monkeys says when they’re about to eat LITERAL TOE JAM.

We don’t know FOR SURE that these rations are make out of people, but at this point do you really doubt for a minute that soylent Wonkru is made of people? Really?

While using an Obama GIF in relation to cannibalism just may be the pinnacle of my writing career, dubious as it is (and really is “career” the right term for this fuckery?), if there’s anything good and just about the world, we will get cannibalism this season. The hints are there. They are being dropped.

Also, do y’all think it was weird that Certifiably Awful Human Being Kara was so concerned about taking the dead bodies back to Polis? Dead bodies are a valuable resource in Cannibal Land, which is an offshoot I hear Disney is going to pilot as a park next season. Fun!

Also: Clarke and Bellamy unknowingly ate people nuggets. Let that thought linger a bit.

While we’re on the subject of gross stuff, let’s talk worms.

Oooooooooooooh Sand Worms, Nothing But Sand Worms, Gimme Them Sand Worms, Don’t Let Them End (Sung To the Tune of Nick the Lounge Singer’s Version of ‘Star Wars’…yeah you kinda have to go deep for this joke)

Died? I died once. They buried me in the ground. Worms are in the ground. Worms tickle. I laughed so hard I almost died. Died? I died once. They buried me in the ground. Worms are in the ground. Worms tickle. I laughed so hard I almost died. Died? I died once…

So, nothing like a little parasitic sand worm burrowing into people’s bodies to really readjust one’s priorities in the world. The priority being…DON’T GO BACK INTO THE PLACE THE SAND WORMS ARE. Like, sand is bad enough…it gets everywhere. But now there’s something IN the sand that likes to make sleeping bags out of people?

No thank you very much, good bye, I will be taking the long way to Eden, I don’t care if I run out of rations I’ll just drink my own pee.

I like that we’re seeing some dangerous wildlife shit that we haven’t really gotten much of a taste of since season 2. It makes sense that we’d see some things emerge to threaten humans since we’ve had another radiation event that could mutate or further mutate and create some dangerous critters.

Y’all knew that worm was going to burst out of Obika’s stomach, right? I mean, shit bursting from people’s abdomens has been a trope since forever. I remember watching The Thing back in the day, my first exposure to weird creatures bursting out of people. It was gross then and it’s gross now. It won’t ever NOT be gross. We love it, but it’s gross, y’all.

I like that we got to see a little bit of doctoring from Clarke this episode, and this season in general (lest we forget she sewed up a damn gaping wound in her own leg with a splinter and rusty wire in the premiere). She saves Octavia’s life, which you gotta wonder: does it give Clarke and future cache with Wonkru or Octavia? If Clarke crosses O or Wonkru in any way, does she go straight into the pit to fight it out?

Given Octavia’s threat to Bellamy, I think Octavia holds no sentimentality for anyone who even slightly disses Wonkru. This is so troubling.

Where In The World Is Niylah? FOR REALS THO!

Time to express displeasure. I’M NOT HAPPY THAT I HAVEN’T SEEN NIYLAH YET.

I’m hoping this is just a scheduling issue with Jessica Harmon and we’ll eventually see Niylah later on, but it’s just weird that when Wonkru is brought out of the bunker, Clarke wouldn’t seek out her friend with benefits to see how she’s doing after six years. I mean, that’s just common courtesy, right?

What we all fear, of course, is Niylah is dead. Or worse: dead and part of a charcuterie board.

What I hope to see is Niylah used as a vehicle to illustrate how being in the bunker, during Blodreina’s rule, during the Dark Year, watching everyone change and just become…other…has changed the person who may be the purest soul outside of our little Monty Green. I love Niylah. I love how chill and peaceful and GOOD she is. Niylah went into the bunker, but who came out? I think that story could be utterly fascinating. I bet she’s seen some shit.

Still Utterly Obsessed With Whatever Could Have Happened During the Dark Year

Sung to the tune of ‘Star Wars’ by Nick the Lounge Singer (yes, this is a re-usable deep-dive joke): Ooooooooooooh, Dark Years, talking about Dark Years, you need to tell me, tell me right now………..

Madi Continues To Kick Names and Take Ass

Guess who just met his match? Murphy. I don’t want to read too much into their short scene together, but Murphy met a fellow smart ass and I think he’s completely done in by Madi. I don’t blame him. We all are.

I present to you, Madi and Murphy, a play in three acts.

— ACT I —

Madi:
I’ll drive.

Murphy:

— ACT II —

Madi:
“I thought you’d be funnier.”

Murphy:

— ACT III —

Madi:
Octavia’s my favorite.

Murphy:

Madi:

— fin —

Now convince me that Murphy’s soul isn’t completely owned by Madi. I’ll wait.

Thought so. Madi is rad.

Diyoza Is Just So Awesome I Can’t Even Anymore

Like, is Diyoza the best new character this show has introduced in, like, forever, besides Madi? I will drink tequila with her, ask about her scars, play music with a beat for her…ANYTHING FOR DIYOZA AT THIS POINT. I feel I’m writing her love notes each week.

I think she’s straight forward. You kinda “get” what she is. But then not really? Like there’s layers and she’ll totally fuck you up, betray you, run around and desert you, but we’ll keep coming back for more because she’s interesting and Ivana Milicevic is playing her cooler than the other side of the pillow.

I mean, this casting is…

I feel I should just write The Diyoza Chronicles (not to be confused with The Pepperwood Chronicles), which would be a weekly review of JUST Diyoza’s story line and my undying love for this character.

I mean…she’s a badass. She’s also a baddie. She seems reasonable if circumstances slant in her favor. She’s driven. She can be underhanded, but not just to be mean, she has a purpose. She also has pretty awesomely questionable taste in men as my gut feelings in last week’s review turn out to be true. She and McCreary hooked up! (hip hop horns!)

When McCreary brings it up, she smirks at him: “Don’t flatter yourself. That was torture too.”

Oh, Diyoza. You SCAMP.

I know she’s not without her moral issues. Obviously. I know what show I’m watching. I did call her underhanded, and that’s exactly what she is when she gives Abby her drugs back. The shortest route to getting an answer to what’s wrong with the sick prisoners is Abby at full capacity. She needs Abby up and about and using that doctor brain of hers, and Diyoza clearly knows that Abby is about to fall into some hardcore withdrawal without her pills.

I should hate Diyoza for using Abby to this end and enabling her drug addiction, but it also makes sense for this character to use people like tools. I’m sure her military training helps in this respect, allowing her to dehumanize those she needs to get something from, but I don’t think that’s all there is to her. I think we’re going to see some deep waters with Diyoza. I won’t spoil it for anyone, but I think it’s becoming kinda obvious due to some non-verbal cues and some undercurrents I’m picking up on (which could also just be my benadryl haze affecting my judgment).

Diyoza’s chat with Kane was MAGNIFICENT. I loved every moment of it. Especially the tequila bit. You could tell Kane was very eager to give it a try.

College flashbacks something fierce.

Kane is in such an odd position and I get the feeling he’s going to stay in that odd position for a very long time as he tries to navigate keeping as many people alive as possible, even those that view him as a traitor…which is both Octavia and Diyoza. I feel sorry for him because he’s caught between a hard place and a harder place with the hardest place right around the corner, ready to pop by and say “I’m going to fuck you up, prepare thine buttocks.” Kane doesn’t seem to have a good play here for the long-term that saves both himself and Abby or anyone else he cares about.

Diyoza can get intel from Kane on Octavia, so he’s useful. It’s really his only currency right now. Bridges are burned with Octavia. You’re either Wonkru or you’re the enema of one poo. THE JOKES, I HAVES THEM. But Kane is kinda fuxxored after he gives Diyoza the scoop on Wonkru. He has no pull with her. She probably doesn’t care about his history of being a leader, elected and otherwise. Now, he’s just a guy.

Marcus Kane is now JUST A GUY. And maybe that’s all he needs to be any more.

Diyoza does something interesting in this scene…she reveals a bit of info about herself, perhaps to open up a line of trust to get Kane to reveal more info that he might be willing had she not been so forthright. A quid pro quo of info sharing, of perhaps trying to forge a personal connection.

We learn that Diyoza, the woman who turned on her country and her fellow SEALS, got treated in kind when her team came for her and she tried, unsuccessfully, to kill herself before being taken prisoner. Y’all…that’s some HARDCORE SHIT. Slit your own throat? Daaaaaaayum.

In the end, what she wants is to understand the other side a bit more. She sees that Wonkru is devoted to Octavia, and acknowledges that her band of murderer and thieves (with bad musical taste) would never shield her from a sandstorm with their own bodies. What Diyoza intends to do about Octavia and Wonkru is unclear. Does she believe that, given Wonkru’s fanaticism, her army of prisoners just can’t match up with the bunker survivors? Maybe she believes she can kill Octavia and by doing so, gain Wonkru’s respect, since trial by combat seems to be their way of measuring people up? Forget Linkedin…how many dead bodies can you claim on your resume to get the job of Red Queen.

If Diyoza thinks she can reason with Octavia or muscle Octavia around, she’s in for a bad time. Strap in for some fun, kids. I have no idea where this story angle leads and I’m excited to see it unfurl.

An aside: Diyoza chastising the prisoners on their taste in music and telling them to play something with a beat felt so oddly like such a weird mom moment. But a hard ass mom moment. That she didn’t have a Marbolo Light dangling from her lip as she berated them was a lost opportunity. Oh no, she’s nothing like a cute little suburbanite mom who brings the orange slices to soccer and likes her Xannies a little too much with her pinot gris.

Convergence Leading to Chaos

At the end of the episode, we see Octavia thankful for Clarke saving her life and threatening Bellamy’s, and the Rover rolling up on Wonkru. Out pops out a bunch of complications.

First off is Madi, who in a tremendous scene, reunites with Clarke by running into a big ol’ mama bear hug.

We see Monty next, who in the most Monty-ish way, gives Octavia a little wave, which in a rare moment seeming normal, she reciprocates (which is a very cute moment, but also sad knowing that the old Octavia Blake is just disappearing bit by bit before our eyes).

Harper, she of the “oh, she’s still here?” conundrum with as much as she’s given to do in the story, is out next.

Then…dun dun DUN…Echo pops out of the Rover.

COMPLICATION ALERT. COMPLICATION ALERT.

As she and Bellamy reunite, we get a LOOK from Clarke that is another week of succor to their shippers. They live off of these 2 second scenes. Why does CW even bother with the other 41:58?

But the look Octavia gives Echo is one of pure hatred. With a nice deep smokey eye. But smoldering hatred nonetheless.

Wait, let’s go back to that smokey eye. Does Octavia have a Wonkru glam squad because I HAVE GOT TO KNOW who has time to do their eye make up when they’re trekking across a dry-ass desert to start a war?

I AM SERIOUSLY NOT MAKING THESE GIFs UP. Some of them are just frighteningly perfect.

The Echo/Octavia reunion was one of the things I was most looking forward to prior to this season. Now, knowing what an absolute nightmare Octavia has turned out to be, I’m not looking forward to this at all. TECHNICALLY Octavia did banish Echo, and Echo did indeed go away…she just hitched a ride out to space.

And I’m glad she did. Spacekru needs muscle and a tactical mind to protect them. Echo has provided this and then some. I feel much better with her as a member of the Adventure Squad because she can keep our squishier members safer. Like Monty. You want Monty to be safe, you put Echo in charge of the protection detail. And don’t sleep on her line in the Rover where she acknowledged that Clarke saved them all.

I don’t know why I feel the need to defend her so much or give her extra rub. I guess I just see the reactions on Twitter after her scenes, and the salt and shade and whinging is embarrassing.

So I’m here for her glow up and will sing her praises to the high heavens. I will take the Black and defend the Wall.

Deathwatch 2018

From week to week, I’m ranking characters by likelihood two die in two buckets: gonna die and long shots. Dead characters of note are in the “May We Meet Again” category.

Ugh. Kane and/or Abby have got to be goners, right? Abby isn’t getting better and Kane has a terrorist courting him and a cult leader ready to off him any chance she gets. Indra is a new addition to the list. She’s just too damn noble for this Wonkru bullshit and I think she’s going to cross Octavia which results in a death sentence. UGH. You don’t even know how angry I’ll be if that happens. How disconsolate.

Sure Bets, One of These Peeps Is Dyin’

1. Abby
2. Kane
3. Indra (previously unranked, shot to #3 and I DON’T LIKE IT)
4. Kara
5. McCreary

Dropped off the list: Echo, for now.

Loooooooooooooong Shots, Place Yer Bets!

1. Raven
2. Murphy
3. Ethan (close to dropping off the list…I’m not convinced he wasn’t just a fever dream of mine)
4. Monty
5. Bellamy

May We Meet Again

1. Jaha – he was number 1 on my Sure Bet to die board, though I take no pleasure in being right…it was a sorta easy read based on social media. Jaha was an interesting, complex, often infuriating figure in this universe, so RIP.

Raven Reyes Nookie Watch 2018

Welcome back to Raven Reyes Nookie Watch 2018! This is a weekly recurring feature of upmost importance. It’s all about the nookie!

No nookie was acquired this episode, but Shaw saved Raven (and Murphy), so they have a connection building. There is finally some notable movement on the Nookie-o-meter

RAVEN REYES NOOKIE ALERT LEVEL: Oh hello there, Shaw. ‘Sup? That strong ass woman right there who won’t yield is Raven Fuckin’ Reyes. RECOGNIZE. 

I wasn’t sold on Shaw at first and still think he did something in his past that he deeply regrets, but who doesn’t like a man fighting to preserve his principles? And who would’t be instantly impressed with Raven. Smart, strong, wily, sweaty…she’s the best.

Parting Thoughts

• Slarke is my ride or die ship – that’s Clarke + soap. Y’all see that dirty ass neck this week? I couldn’t look away.
• Why did none of those fool Wonkru cover their mouths with a scrap of cloth while protecting Octavia in the sandstorm?
• I swear, Indra getting glass in her lungs is just shitty so fuck you Octavia I blame you.
• BUT SERIOUSLY IF YOU SEE NIYLAH TELL HER WE’RE LOOKING FOR HER.
• Still not over Madi meeting Murphy.
• DREADING Madi meeting Octavia and the hero worship that might drive a rift between her and Clarke.
• The small moments in this show just resonate so much with me: Clarke and Madi’s hug, Emori staying behind with Murphy, Kane trying tequila for the first time, Vinson’s fucking cute ass little eyeglass cords…I’m so in deep for these scenes.
• Gaia repeating the same old Flamekeeper mantras like “love is weakness” just angers me as all dogma does. But in the context of the show, it’s interesting to see that thread running through the seasons from Heda to Blodreina.
• If that little WTF look from Clarke over Becho turns love triangley, I will call bullshit and yawp my displeasure into the night sky. Not here for it. Don’t @ me.
• Writer room changes are afoot. Good luck to the departing writers…I look forward to your next work. Welcome back to the returning writers…can’t wait to see where you take the show next. Welcome aboard to new writers…CAN YOU FINALLY MAKE THE MUSICAL EPISODE HAPPEN?
• Ugh, Kara. Just thinking about her makes me blind with anger, but I have to admit, her desert hair was kinda on point. GOD. I HATE HER AND HER GOOD DESERT HAIR. She had a little sand mixed in there at the end that looked kinda cool and…I will NOT fall in love with Kara. NO.
• Bellamy called it a “gladiator cult.” THAT IS NOW CANNON. The Wonkru craziness is slowly unraveling for Bell and Clarke to see…I feel so sorry for Bellamy.
• #SaveTheExpanse…the work must continue.
• TWEET/RETWEET: If you enjoyed this review, please share, retweet, or like it on twitter.
• SPOTIFY PLAYLIST OF THE 100 MUSIC!: Hey people who like sounds entering your ear holes! I have a Spotify playlist, which is music from and inspired by The 100. You can find it right here and marvel at my musical tastes. I keep it up to date with anything featured on the show or in promos.

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FINAL VERDICT!

“Shifting Sands”: 8.0 out of 10 sand worms rolling bursting out of stomachs

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There are some The 100 reviewers/recaps/writers you should absolutely be reading, and I offer them up for your enjoyment; I have no affiliation with any of them, save for being a fan:

• Selina Wilken – a mix of passionate fandom and truly professional journalism.
• Erin Brown – unfairly beautiful writing. Like seriously, stop being so good.
• McKenzie Morrell – recapping her damn face off and great interviews with the cast!
• Toni_watches – piss your goddamn pants hilarious photo recaps.
• Jo Garfein – great fandom charity auctions.

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Disclosure: this is my own indie site. This is on my time, my dime. Becho is endgame.

I MEAN, C’MON CHIDI!!!

You are Wonkru or you are the enemy of Wonkru. Choose.